100-year picnics, concrete vibrators and other amazing feats of something

As this hot, humorless month draws to a close, I feel compelled to add some levity to life with an assortment of recent bumbles and double-entendre.

Let’s start with the century-long picnic …

Kudos to all of you who stuck around for the entire event. I left after year 98 so I could mow the lawn. The neighbors had been complaining.

If only the picnic had had one of these …

Perhaps I’m getting old, but a concrete vibrator sounds painful to me. Maybe I’m just not adventurous enough.

People don’t sweat the way they used to …

Overheard in the newsroom of a Washington television station:

Louise, website editor: Frank, it’s starting to get hot. Can you go out and get a picture of some sweaty people on the Mall?

Frank, photographer: Are you kidding? You want me to walk across the street in this heat? Let’s just use the picture of the big guy from the heat wave five years ago. Antiperspirant didn’t work as well back then and the sweat showed up better in my pictures.

Louise: Frank, I like your efficiency. Have you ever thought of creating Photoshopped sinkholes for CNN?

Is there an editor in the house? No? Oh, well …

From Time comes this example of a caption for a picture taken from a website created by professionals working for a magazine translating its work online from original content intended for print assembled by staff members employed by a media conglomerate seeking an audience so confused by the writing that …

Wait, what was I trying to say? Something about a madman, right? Or was that an editor?

Could this be a reference to that 100-year picnic?

Yes, this was a real event, though lately it has been feeling more like the Stone Age around here.

Those who can’t count need not apply …

The medical world sends this announcement of hope to those painfully sore people who are still at the century-long picnic. Calculators will be permitted.

On second thought, I’ll just have a doughnut …

This sign comes to us from the School of Motel Management and Indecipherable Writing. It’s an old management trick for those times when oatmeal supplies run low.

Please tell me that isn’t an invitation …

I’ll end with this non sequitur, which stopped me in my tracks on Friday. I’m trying not to think about the consequences of the roll of toilet paper on the drinking fountain. You don’t suppose … Just in case, I’m heading back to that picnic.

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