Random books and cheeky thoughts meet the painful reality of butt piercing

The title of this book leapt off the sale shelf at me yesterday.

Yes, it’s really “Button Jewelry,” but the unfortunately placed sale tag turned it into “Butt Jewelry.”

I should have found that absurd, but the idea was all too plausible. So plausible, in fact, that I found that I was behind the curve on the phrase and on the trend. I’ll let you look up the Urban Dictionary definition of “butt jewelry” for yourself, but you can see here that I already missed the butt piercing trend.

Darn.

Not wanting to think about what butt jewelry might, um, encompass, I let my mind wander to potential advertising slogans:

“When that callipygian look just isn’t enough, buff up with Butt Jewelry.”

“You know you’re a big pain. So why not take pride in yourself every time you sit down. Butt Jewelry.”

I was even envisioning a Burma Shave slogan.

Imagine yourself cruising down the highway when, one by one, the roadside signs appear:

Run out of places

to pierce?

Make your buns

Look fierce

Butt Jewelry.”

Unfortunately, the sloganeering has had the opposite effect that I had hoped. Instead of taking my mind off the imagery, I began to wonder about certain daily tasks.

I’m afraid I may hightail it back to the bookstore and reposition all those sale stickers.

I’m thinking “Butt Jewelry” might have to become “Ton Jewelry.” It’s not nearly as catchy, but at least I’ll be able to sit down again.

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