English becomes the official second language of English speakers

Lead by corporate alphabet-types and facilitated by makers of standardized tests, a broad-based coalition of organizational institutionalizers announced today that they had achieved inertial synergy and made English the official second language of the United States.

Yes, this is real.

Sey Nuthin, the CEO, CIO, CECIO, CIAO, RGB and FART of the Persistent Blather Corp., called it a “momentous situation.”

“This is a momentous situation,” Nuthin said.

He declined further comment.

Makem Dum, the head of multiorganization platform experience for the Association of Standardized Test Makers, called it a watershed moment. Over the last 20 years, Dum has largely succeeded in shrinking the English alphabet to five letters: A., B., C., D. and E.

“Who needs those other letters?” Dum said. “There were once, what, at least a dozen other letters in the alphabet, weren’t their? Whatever. We don’t need them due to the fact that they make the next generation of potential constituents in our pubic school system think to hard. By giving everyone and everybody everywhere only five choices in everything they do and say in there education and jobs and every day life in every school and city and town and burg and county and … Where was I? Um, if we do whatever I was talking about before, we can nearly eliminate thinking all together.”

This headline failed to include a key.

Legislatures across the country hopped on the coalition’s bandwagon, celebrating the announcement by cutting base funding for public education to pre-Colonial levels. They declared the cuts a right-sizing move that would lead to a new normal of fiscal austerity and would grow the economy while providing more than adequate funds for at least one teacher in every state. That teacher will be asked to do more with less.

“We already pay for standardized tests,” said Ignor Amus, chair of legislative spokespersons. “Why would we need teachers?”

Using a dangling modifier, this letter writer apparently wanted to tell the authors of Dear Annie that their column stinks.

Amus said the legislatures would use the savings from the cuts to open lobotomy clinics, which he called “far more efficient then education.”

Organizers of the movement have yet to agree on what the first language of the United States really is or should be.

They ask that anyone who have suggestions to write them.

No one is sure why.

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